Let's Talk About Rex, Baby

It's one thing to tell Bill Belichick you're not scared of his jewelry and then hold the Pats to three measly filed goals. But the slickest move Coach Ryan made was responding to Singletary's claims of tampering with Crabtree: "I wish we could play them." Deny the accusation, and then threaten them with better football! I love it. That's the classy way to swing your big D around. D as in defense, obviously...

Rex Ryan's New York Jews...

I mean Jets... errr... I can only imagine the puzzled look on Rex Ryan's face when someone pointed out the season home opener against the Pats was also on the high holy day of Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year). Desperate voicemail calls were made to all season ticket holders besieging them to show up, but perhaps a better strategy would be to follow Bob Kraft to synagogue on Saturday. Big Bob obviously has a direct line to the Big Guy. I mean how else do you explain Tom Brady AND saying no to Bernie Madoff? No one is just that lucky.

My pick this week is the Bills over the Bucs. Partially in reward to my favorite reality TV queen, Tyrell Tequila Owens, who managed not to say anything boneheaded and newsworthy this week - leaving that business to fish stick loving rappers, hall of fame inductees, and tennis players apparently... But mostly because I think he and Edwards will take advantage of the Tampa secondary, where Gruden's exit seems to have left some wide holes. (As for that trade, Bucs zero, Monday Night Football one.) But if you're shaky about laying the points with an 0-1 team then go with the over (37.5) on the Pitt-Chicago game. With Urlacher and Polamalu out, both teams should be able to sneak a few extra TDs in there.

Old Crushes Die Hard

It's not easy to stay angry at Brett Favre. He can't help being Big Papa Football - covering the spread, tackling Percy Harvin in the end zone to celebrate the kid's first pro touchdown, wearing Wranglers instead of designer jeans barely looser than mine... I would still trade Mark Sanchez's GQ looks for a bulbous nose and crooked jaw, but he is slowly gaining my trust. For the first time, instead of seeing Vinnie Chase playing dress-up in a jersey, I saw a quarterback. And he brought out the best in his Entourage. Thomas Jones, Jericho Cotchery and Leon Washington were smokin' hot, and it's a lot easier to win games when you actually have a defense. Bart Scott is a beast, and I love him.

As for tonight, I like the over at 47.5 on the Bills-Pats game. The return of Tom Brady in Foxboro should be absolutely explosive, but I don't like to lay so many points in the first week. Even if teams like the Lions and Chiefs eventually folded yesterday, they held up to the very last second. So I would take the over - which is basically a bet on Brady, but leaves room for the Bills to surprise me.

The Bitch is Back

The spreads might be as wide as Andre Smith's ass, but I'm having trouble calling many games this week. Coming out of an off-season where a record eleven coaches were fired and big talent shifted all over the place, how can you tell what kind of chemistry any team has before Sunday?

One QB shift does sting more than the rest. After the runaround Favre gave Gang Green I'd love to see the Cleveland Browns blitz him a new butt-hole, but somehow I don't think they're quite ferocious enough to rush him into real retirement. With Brett tossing to Bernard Berrian, who led the Vikings with 964 yards last season, and handing off to Adrien Peterson, he looks formidable. Even more so against the 4-12 Browns led by Ole Mangenius himself. Laying less than a field goal, I had to put my money on Minnesota, even if it means I can't respect myself anymore. Who am I kidding? I lost my self-respect in high school, I mean college, I mean... uhhh... Happy opening day!